For parents, knowing what to do and being able to do it in a difficult moment can be two very different things.
Bonnie McDaniel knows that firsthand.
Long before becoming a parent herself, Bonnie was fascinated by the relationship between parents and children and the profound role those relationships play in shaping who children become. Her academic research explored a question at the heart of parenting: How does the relationship between a parent and child shape who that child becomes?
She thought all that studying might give her an advantage when she became a parent.
Then she raised three teenagers.
“I thought that all of my reading on the subject would somehow make me an expert when I became a parent myself,” Bonnie says. “What I found, especially while raising my three teenagers, was that all of that information didn’t really help me show up in helpful ways in the really hard moments.”
When knowing isn’t enough
The teenage years became a turning point for Bonnie, both personally and eventually professionally.
“The teen years were rough in my family,” she says. “I hit a wall where I realized that what I was trying to do as a parent was not working.”
Bonnie began to recognize that her fear and worry about her teen were sometimes getting in the way of seeing what was actually happening and responding effectively.
“The issue for me wasn’t a lack of knowledge, but a lack of emotional skill and capacity.”
That realization sent Bonnie searching for a different approach. Through her own experience and continued education in psychology and parenting, she began developing skills that helped her better understand her own reactions and create more space to choose how she wanted to respond.
Today, those lessons are at the heart of the SEL for Parents Workshop she facilitates for Lake Washington School District parents and caregivers through Lake Washington Schools Foundation.
Our kids learn emotional skills from us
Social and emotional learning, or SEL, supports our ability to understand and regulate emotions, develop empathy, and build healthy relationships. And while SEL is often discussed in the context of children and schools, Bonnie believes it is just as relevant for adults.
“Kids learn about their emotions first through their relationship with their parents and caregivers,” she explains. “We are our kids’ first and most important teachers of social and emotional skills.”
The encouraging part, she says, is that parents don’t need to have mastered these skills themselves growing up. Emotional awareness, regulation, and empathy can be learned and strengthened throughout our lives.
That becomes especially important when children are struggling.
“Kids are born with very big feelings and a very limited capacity to regulate those feelings,” Bonnie says. When parents can remain calm and curious in the presence of those emotions, children begin learning that difficult feelings are something they can experience, understand, and eventually regulate.
Creating space between feeling and reacting
One concept in the workshop often creates an “aha” moment for parents: much of the way we respond to situations happens automatically.
“A lot of our behavior isn’t a matter of our conscious choosing,” Bonnie explains. “Sometimes our automatic responses in relationships, especially when we feel threatened, aren’t super helpful.”
Developing greater self-awareness can create a little more space between what we feel and what we do next. That might mean recognizing that we’re becoming overwhelmed before raising our voice, taking a few breaths before responding to an angry teenager, or approaching a child’s anxiety with curiosity rather than immediately trying to solve it.
“Even a little shift here can be a total game changer.”
It’s a shift past workshop participants have recognized in themselves, too.
“I am a mother of a 4-year-old boy and I learned so many things that I can do better, or even realized where I go on autopilot,” one parent shared. “This course has taught me how to have more empathy for my child and for myself.”
Above: Parents share personal experiences and support one another during SEL for Parent Workshops.
Seeing a situation differently
Bonnie remembers working with a mother who was regularly struggling to get her daughter ready for school in the morning. During an empathy exercise, the mother began thinking more deeply about what the morning might feel like from her daughter’s perspective.
Maybe her daughter hated feeling rushed. Maybe she was nervous about something happening at school.
The mother realized she didn’t actually know—but now she was curious enough to ask.
That curiosity opened the door to a more nuanced approach to their morning struggles. Just as importantly, her daughter had an opportunity to feel seen and understood.
A place to learn—and connect
Bonnie recognizes that parents today are navigating a lot, from the everyday pressures of work and running a household to concerns about screens, peer relationships, school motivation, and their children’s emotional well-being.
The SEL for Parents Workshop isn’t about giving parents another list of things they’re supposed to be doing perfectly. Instead, Bonnie hopes it provides a supportive place to understand their own responses, practice emotional regulation strategies, and learn tools for navigating conflict while maintaining connection.
“One of my greatest hopes is that parents experience a sense of camaraderie with the other parents in the class,” she says. “It can be so comforting to know that you’re not the only one struggling out there. This is hard stuff.”
That sense of connection has resonated with past participants.
“I found this workshop to be very thoughtful and actionable,” one parent shared. “It also provided a space for joining a community of like-minded parents who are passionate about learning how to improve their parenting skills and helping our children thrive.”
For some parents, what they learn has even changed the way they think about the inevitable conflicts that come with raising kids.
“Bonnie gave me some great ways to reflect on myself as a parent and how and why I react to my kids,” one participant shared. “I’m actually looking forward to the potential conflicts so I can use these skills!”
One thing to try the next time things get hard
If Bonnie could offer parents one idea to carry into their next challenging moment, it would be this:
Put yourself in the scene.
When a child is struggling, it’s natural to focus entirely on the child and the problem that needs to be fixed. But Bonnie encourages parents to notice what they are bringing into the interaction, too.
Are you anxious? Angry? Afraid? Overwhelmed? Are those feelings influencing what you’re about to say or do?
Simply noticing can create an opportunity to choose what happens next.
“Maybe [it’s] to take a few breaths to calm our nervous system, or remind ourselves about how we want to show up in these hard moments with our kids,” Bonnie says.
Because sometimes the most powerful change in a difficult parenting moment isn’t finding the perfect thing to say. It’s giving ourselves enough space to respond differently.
Interested in learning more? Visit our SEL for Parents page to learn more about the program and register for our upcoming fall workshops.
About Bonnie McDaniel: With a Ph.D in Education from University of Washington, and Parent Coach Certification from Parent Coaching Institute, Bonnie McDaniel is passionate about leading Youth Mental Health First Aid, Restorative Justice Practices, Social and Emotional Learning workshops for parents and educators. Her website is https://www.emotionwisecoaching.com.
